Nickelback’s ‘Trying Not to Love You’: Trying not to wince

The five stages of grief, while watching Nickelback’s newest music video, starring Jason Alexander and Brooke Burns:

Denial: “I cannot possibly be watching all five minutes and 41 seconds of this Nickelback video. Jason Alexander cannot possibly need money this badly (Brooke Burns probably does, though). Nickelback cannot possibly still be making records.”

Anger: “No. Really? You call this a music video plotline? Jason Alexander as Bud, the Forever Alone Latte Dude, whose manliness is challenged by a motorcycle-riding latte foam artist? And then Brooke Burns writhes around in coffee beans, in a nod to ‘American Beauty’ that comes 13 years too late? And the whole thing is set to the gravelly-voiced princes of mediocrity, Nickelback? No. Also, the goatee.”

Bargaining: “This is a joke, right? Nickelback is totally in on this joke. They’re making a video so lame that we will all make fun of it for being lame, and then they’ll reveal themselves to have been playing a trick on us all along. If they are that self-aware, I’ll never make another Nickelback joke again. No one will. Please let this be a joke.”

Depression: “There are still Nickelback fans in this world, and they are probably really excited about this song. And there is no self-awareness here, no jokes that anyone is in on. This video is actually happening, and it’s even worse than it looks.”

Acceptance: “Well, at least the toupee looks good on Jason Alexander.”